The law, or even departmental policy says virtually nothing about such delicate areas as death notification. The immediate family needs to be notified. Period. The spirit of the law adds the ‘human factor’: Bringing the notification in a caring, compassionate and competent manner. Father Wentink's article deals with handling death notifications in ‘the spirit of the law.’ -SLD

      A Devastating Experience: Death Notification

Father William R. Wentink

ABSTRACT

You've got eight years on the Police Department. You're on patrol. You get an assignment from the Dispatcher. You pull up to the location, ring the doorbell, and wait. You know just what you're going to say. The door opens and there's a young woman in her late twenties with three little kids hanging onto her. You look into her eyes and the eyes of those three little children, and you know you are going to destroy their lives. You must deliver the painful fact that her husband is dead. You can't chicken out. You do a disservice to people if you don't deal with facts. In death notifications, the Officer or Chaplain is the stabilizing force in that person's life at that moment. This paper will deal with the proper way to handle notifications, personal experiences, and the importance of "doing it right."

          You've served eight years on the Police Department, you're on patrol, and you get a call from the dispatcher. "Call for an assignment." As you go to the phone to make the call, a number of things run through your mind. "Why don't they want to put it out on the air? Probably somebody wanted on a warrant who has a scanner or maybe it's a bomb threat somewhere and they don't want to scare or alert everybody who listens to scanners." So you go to the phone, call the dispatcher, and get all the information you need. You return to your vehicle and start over to the location they gave you. You're thinking about some of the other calls you've been on during your eight years on the Police Department. How you've caught burglars in buildings. You think about searching buildings in the dark, about the times you've been scared. And you think about how you got through that by yourself. You're thinking about this call. You pull up to the location, walk to the front door, and ring the doorbell. You know just what you're going to say when they answer the door. The door opens and there's a woman in her late twenties with three little children hanging onto her side and she says, "Yes Officer, what can I do to help you?" And everything that you've prepared to say is now completely forgotten. You don't know what to say. You're moving back and forth on your feet, your palms are sweating, you have butterflies in your stomach. And she says again, "Officer, what's the matter?" And you reply, "Ah, um, ah, I'm here because your husband has been in an accident."

                 "An accident? What happened?"

                 "Well, I don't know. They just told me he's been in an accident, a real bad accident."

                  "Real bad?"

                  "Ma'am, it's a real, real bad accident. It's very serious."

                  "How bad is he? Is he at the hospital?"

                  "He's at the hospital, ma'am. It's real bad. It's critical."

                  "It's critical?"

                  "It's real, real bad ma'am."

          You look into her eyes and you look at those three little children who are looking at you. And the wife finally asks you, "Is he dead?" You say, "Yes he is."

          The entire time you were driving over there, the whole time you were standing there, you knew that what you had to say was going to destroy her life. And when it came right down to it, you didn't say it. She said it. She was the one who had to tell you, because when you arrived there and saw that woman and those three kids, you chickened out.

          This incident was obviously handled wrong. In death notification it's very important to "do it right." This paper is based on my nineteen years as a Police Chaplain with the Rockford Police Department, my experiences during that period, and the training I have received from my membership and seminars with the International Conference of Police Chaplains.

          There is no easy way to go to somebody's home and tell them that someone they love has been killed or died in a tragic way. Our police officers are the most valuable resource we have within our agencies, whether they are federal, state, or local. Because they are so important, police officers need to be physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Many of the things they handle take their toll on our officers. And one of the most difficult things an officer has to do is a death notification.

          In death notifications, the person who delivers the news is the stabilizing force at that time. It's very important that notifications are made as soon as possible after the death occurs for various reasons: people might hear about it through the news media; in a traffic fatality, a relative or friend might drive by the scene, see the vehicle and call the people without any details. Speed is of the utmost importance.

          Again I stress "do it right." The entire family should be told at the same time whenever possible, regardless of the hour. That's extremely important. Often parents feel it is best not to wake young children if it is late. They think the children should be told in the morning. It is vital that the whole family be told at once. When some family member is told at a later hour, he or she feels separated from the family. They feel that they were not important enough to be included. If the children are told with the rest of the family, they consider themselves a part of the group. They can begin the grieving and healing process with their family.

          I find it is also important to recheck your information. Check with a neighbor to see if the person is going to be alone when you deliver your message. You also need to know if the person being notified has any health problems that might need to be considered. See if a neighbor will accompany you. Be sure of your information. Many times information will not be accurate when it passes through various jurisdictions. By the time it is relayed from officer to sergeant to communications and finally to you, inaccurate messages can be received. The best thing to do is call the agency back and speak to someone as close to the incident as possible. Try to get your information first hand.

          When delivering the message, get people in a comfortable or relaxed setting. Get off the doorstep. Ask to come into the home. As a last resort, at an accident or fire scene, put the people in your vehicle. Let people act out their emotions as long as they don't injure themselves or anyone else. Start a support system immediately. The sooner a chaplain can be involved in the death, as a clergy, minister, or priest, the better he or she can help the people deal with their problems. As part of the support system, contact their own clergyman if possible. Also contact relatives or friends. Don't leave people without a support system.

          Another important thing is to help people deal with the present. Many times it's "if only" and they want to deal in the past. Or they look to the future and deal with "what if." But I think one of the things we really have to do is deal with the present. As part of this, I believe it's crucial that the family be allowed to see the body, touch the body, and sometimes hold the body. There have been times when the body has been so mangled, that I prepare the family for this and then suggest that they see a hand or a foot. It's imperative that they see the body as soon as possible. Otherwise this death is not a reality. They think it's not true, and often they will hold out in their mind for years that this death really didn't happen.

          One of the most difficult types of death notifications is a death with no body, such as a drowning in which the body has not been recovered. I think the real key here is to keep the people informed as to what type of recovery operations are being done, how the body might be recovered, and how long it might take. Again, deal with facts. Never say, "I don't know." Instead, use statements such as: "I will find out for you"; or "It's under investigation."

          It has been my experience in notifications, that after presenting the facts, it is best to say no more. Sometimes hysteria follows. Let people act out their own personal feelings. Don't rush people. Give them time to absorb the information and work it through. Your presence is important. Stay there. Make calls for them if they request it. Encourage talking about the deceased. Include and comfort the children. They must not be excluded. They also need to act out their grief. Listen to people. Listening is so important.

          When you make a death notification, you have no idea how people are going to respond emotionally. My experience has been that about ten percent of the people are going to be physically violent. They might kick, scream, or shove. I've even been sprayed with a can of mace. I've seen people pick up chairs and break them, throw things through windows, throw glasses, etc. Let them experience these violent emotions as long as they do not physically hurt you or themselves. I'm not advocating letting them harm you. But if you, as the authority figure, make them repress their emotions, these feelings will seethe within them. Whereas if you let them act out their violence, it will pass in five or ten minutes.

          Another ten percent of the people show absolutely no emotion. They say "Thank you very much for coming, my daughter has been killed. You can go now." Don't leave these people without a support system.

          It's necessary to use words such as killed or dead. My experience has shown that this is the way it should be done: I knock on the door, identify myself as a Chaplain with the Police Department and say that I want to come in and talk with them and their whole family. Most of the time when a person of authority appears, people will comply. I then sit down with the people and relay the information. For example, "There has been an accident involving your son, John. He has been killed in an accident." It is only fair to the family to get the facts out as quickly and accurately as possible. If you don't do that, you are doing a real disservice to people.

          A death notification is compounded when it's a police officer who has been killed. This is because the person making the notification, often another officer, knows the family. It's much more emotional and difficult to do in cases like that.

          In conclusion, I again stress the importance of "doing it right." Your initial response will stay with people the rest of their lives. Death notification must be done in a professional, caring, and understanding manner. If the notification is done properly, the healing process can begin sooner. Death notification is one of the most dreaded assignments a police officer can receive. But if it's "done right," you can be the biggest support at the most devastating time in a person's life.