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Dealing with a Church Bully
Q: “Last Sunday after church, one of our long-term members pulled me aside. He said that if I didn’t change my position on a certain topic, he and his family would “pull out” from the church. They’re a large family and have been in the church since before I was born. What I believe is biblical and what he believes is actually contrary to the Scriptures, and is born out of some of the uglier parts of the local culture. I feel like resigning from this church, to be honest.”
A: Sad to say, you’re in an all too common predicament. Of course, I don’t believe in quitting or resigning. If God called you there, my initial counsel is to stay there and accomplish what God sent you there to do. Do that with all your might until you have either accomplished it or they send you packing.
But, on the immediate side, you might try something like this:
“John, you and your family have been a part of this church for a long, long time. You have deep roots here and have invested quite a lot of your lives and resources here. You don’t agree with my stance, which I believe is biblical, in the area of (gambling, alcohol, racial equality, etc). As a minister of the gospel, I feel I don’t have the option of changing what I believe the Bible says.
“On the other hand, you feel like, if I don’t change, you and your family will quit the church and attend somewhere else. That’s a big decision. You might want to consider that you have a long history here and are pretty high up on the pecking order. If you go to another church, they will already have all their offices filled, and you will be the new kid on the block. It will be years, maybe even a generation, before you build up the level deep roots that you have here. That’s something worthy of thought.
“I’d hate to think of you being in that position. How about if you go along with us here, and follow through with me, using the Bible as our guide? As you search the scriptures, even as I am doing, let me know what you find on the matter, and we can consider it together. If I’ve missed something, I’d be glad to be helped out. It’s not your opinion or my opinion that matters, but what the Bible says, no matter what. Do you think you’d be willing to give it an honest shot?”
It’s likely that he hasn’t considered going somewhere else and being the low man on the totem pole. People like him tend to want to be in charge. So, what you are offering him is the opportunity to keep his position, as well as getting more face time with you and offering his input. So, he MAY consider it.
Of course, it’s just as likely that he’s a bully, and figures he was there when you came and he’ll be there when you leave. What then? You can hold your ground and say quietly something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish it could be different, I really do. If you truly feel that you can’t worship any longer because of what I believe, understand that I respect that, and wish you all the best. I’ll be glad to have the secretary write a letter of transfer.”
As a general principle, I'm not big on closing the door when people want to leave the church to go check out other churches. You want them to feel free to come back, and when they do, give them a "prodigal son" treatment. But, with a bully, we tend to NOT want to leave an open door of return, that is, unless they absolutely come back in repentance.
While you're at it, you need to buy a copy of my book, "What to Do When Your Church, Ministry or Christian Organization is Going Through Division, Strife, Leadership Crises and Upheaval." You'll need it as long as you're in Christian leadership. Click here to find out more!
Q: “Last Sunday after church, one of our long-term members pulled me aside. He said that if I didn’t change my position on a certain topic, he and his family would “pull out” from the church. They’re a large family and have been in the church since before I was born. What I believe is biblical and what he believes is actually contrary to the Scriptures, and is born out of some of the uglier parts of the local culture. I feel like resigning from this church, to be honest.”
A: Sad to say, you’re in an all too common predicament. Of course, I don’t believe in quitting or resigning. If God called you there, my initial counsel is to stay there and accomplish what God sent you there to do. Do that with all your might until you have either accomplished it or they send you packing.
But, on the immediate side, you might try something like this:
“John, you and your family have been a part of this church for a long, long time. You have deep roots here and have invested quite a lot of your lives and resources here. You don’t agree with my stance, which I believe is biblical, in the area of (gambling, alcohol, racial equality, etc). As a minister of the gospel, I feel I don’t have the option of changing what I believe the Bible says.
“On the other hand, you feel like, if I don’t change, you and your family will quit the church and attend somewhere else. That’s a big decision. You might want to consider that you have a long history here and are pretty high up on the pecking order. If you go to another church, they will already have all their offices filled, and you will be the new kid on the block. It will be years, maybe even a generation, before you build up the level deep roots that you have here. That’s something worthy of thought.
“I’d hate to think of you being in that position. How about if you go along with us here, and follow through with me, using the Bible as our guide? As you search the scriptures, even as I am doing, let me know what you find on the matter, and we can consider it together. If I’ve missed something, I’d be glad to be helped out. It’s not your opinion or my opinion that matters, but what the Bible says, no matter what. Do you think you’d be willing to give it an honest shot?”
It’s likely that he hasn’t considered going somewhere else and being the low man on the totem pole. People like him tend to want to be in charge. So, what you are offering him is the opportunity to keep his position, as well as getting more face time with you and offering his input. So, he MAY consider it.
Of course, it’s just as likely that he’s a bully, and figures he was there when you came and he’ll be there when you leave. What then? You can hold your ground and say quietly something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish it could be different, I really do. If you truly feel that you can’t worship any longer because of what I believe, understand that I respect that, and wish you all the best. I’ll be glad to have the secretary write a letter of transfer.”
As a general principle, I'm not big on closing the door when people want to leave the church to go check out other churches. You want them to feel free to come back, and when they do, give them a "prodigal son" treatment. But, with a bully, we tend to NOT want to leave an open door of return, that is, unless they absolutely come back in repentance.
While you're at it, you need to buy a copy of my book, "What to Do When Your Church, Ministry or Christian Organization is Going Through Division, Strife, Leadership Crises and Upheaval." You'll need it as long as you're in Christian leadership. Click here to find out more!
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